18 February 2009

The Madness of 3am

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Subtitle : The post in which I reveal the innermost workings of my brain at 3am in the morning.
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"Mummmmmeeeeeeeee"
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I wake with that sudden jolt only your child's voice in the middle of the night can induce.
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Stumble. Stumble.
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"Yes darling?"
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Silence.
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"Sweety, what is it?"
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Silence. Soft breathing.
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"Do you need a drink?"
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No response.
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I stumble back to bed.
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"I wonder what time it is?
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"Oh great. 3 o'clock"
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"Oh well, should get another 4 hours in before I wake up again."
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"Now I need a pee"
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I feel my way to the bathroom without putting any lights on.
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"What's that noise? It sounds like people talking? What is it?! It's coming from downstairs. Is it the telly? It sounds like American accents. Have I got American burglars down there? Well they'll be in for a shock when they see me in my pants and vest combo."
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I tiptoe downstairs skipping out the stair that creaks.
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One of boy*jelly's Thunderbird's rockets is speaking to itself.
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"Thunderbird 2 we are good to go. F.A.B"
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*sigh* which pile of toys is it under?
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I locate the toy and try to switch it off.
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"Hang on, there's no off switch."
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"Well take the battery out then."
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Silent scream as I realise it has a screwed-down battery cover.
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"Thunderbird 2 we are good to go. F.A.B"
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"Shut Up!"
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"Where are the screwdrivers? Oh my god - that's the tiniest screw I've ever seen. Was it made by pixies? We haven't got a screwdriver that small. "
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"Thunderbird 2 we are good to go. F.A.B"
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"SHUT UP!"
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"Right! Shove it in a drawer."
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"Thunderbird 2 we are good to go. F.A.B"
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I finally swaddle it in a towel and shove it back in a drawer and make my way back to bed.
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"What if it catches fire in the drawer?"
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"Why would it catch fire?!"
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"Well it might get the towel all hot..."
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"Shut up and go to sleep."
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"Okay. What was I dreaming about?"
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I whirr through the recent images in my brain.
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"Hmmm. Dead cow in the living room."
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"Okay, maybe don't focus on your last dream"
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"What do I need to do tomorrow?"
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"Oh that's right, mum's coming round first thing because I have a doctor's appointment."
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"Oh great, the house is a mess, the dishwasher needs loading and she's going to see it all."
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"Well, it's nothing she hasn't already seen in this house."
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"If I get time, I'll do it before I go out otherwise I'll shut the door and tell her not to go in there."
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"Now shut up and go to sleep"
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"Okay, now I'm hungry"
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I tiptoe downstairs without putting any lights on and get a bowl of cereal by the light of the fridge (after checking that the drawer is not on fire).
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Back upstairs, light on, eating my cereal and flicking through an old copy of Heat Magazine.
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"God, she's too skinny ... she needs to eat something ... what is that she's wearing?!"
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Finish cereal, light out, settle down to sleep.
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"What's the time now?"
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"Great. 4 o'clock"
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"What shall I do my next blog-post about?"
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"I could do one about how it always takes me ages to go back to sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night?"
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"Hmmm. I could call it The Madness of 3am and discuss the stupid thoughts my brain has ... "
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The Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip of the alarm clock wakes me at 8am and I don't have time to tidy the kitchen.
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And I totally forget about the Thunderbird rocket swaddled in a towel and shoved in the drawer until the next time I need to get an envelope and I have to explain to Mr Jelly why it's there.
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What keeps you awake at night?
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13 comments:

Domestic Disaster said...

I too was awake at 3am! My three year old woke up because of a bad storm we were having, he was staring out his window crying because when it rains he can't play on the playground at daycare. Took hours to calm him, and by then it was time for me to get up and get ready for work. Fun times...I think I do my best thinking at 3am though....

LissyLou said...

Hilarious!! That sounds like some of my nights!! Thanks for sharing. x

Deanne said...

exactly the same honey lol x

twiggypeasticks said...

Absolutely nothing keeps me awake at 3am, I could sleep for Team GB. Mr Twigs even used to wake me for Twiglets 3am feeds - oops!!!
Twiggy

JuliaB said...

hehe! When mine was little we had "Toooo Infinity ... AND BEYOND!!!" xxx

busy lizzie said...

Cracked me up. Sounds like me!! Waking at 2.28, and remembering that the camera batteries are still plugged into the socket downstairs and then spend the next 40 minutes trying to resist the urge to go turn the charger off, because it might burn the house down, and worrying then that we have a 3 floor house and the kids are scattered all over it, and how would I get to them all, and.... blah blah blah. Finally fall asleep at 5.10, only to be rudely awakened by the alarm at 6.00. Arrghhhhh.

Mummy Boo Bear said...

Ha Ha Ha that sounds so like me,particularly the bit about needing to pee, no joke in our house though when you have to go downstairs and right to back of house to do it!!! it goes something like this.

Okay sweetie come on sleepytime still - I get back into bed

Mind starts having argument with its self. goes need to go to loo - no i can hold no you cant yes i can its not good for you,you know etc,

grumpily go to go down stairs -

bang crash wahhhhhhhh


Kids up and crying me swearing and crying, husband polevaulting out of bed ok ok he says,

I say no i am bloody not have fallen down the ****ing stairs again!!!!!!!!!

Oh for an up stairs loo!!!!!

Kitty said...

This reminds me of the time that I performed a radical battery-ectomy on Postman Pat at 2am. With NO anaeshtetic. Jeez, he woke me up at that ridiculous hour with his 'Hello Mrs Goggins!' and singing his damn theme tune. Of course it's vaguely amusing now but at the time I could cheerfully have strangled him. And Jess, his cat.

x

Taz said...

I was awake at 3am this morning because I was squashed between wee one who had a stomach ache and him indoors who had been on a boys night out.
And as for battery toys if they make noise at that time in the morning I throw them out of the back door and worry about them in the morning!

JuicyFig said...

there isn't much keeps me awake at all these days now my baby girl has cleared off.

I had a step-o-meter that had a cockrell crowing allarm clock that no one could turn off, it went into a drawer wrapped up, and eventually hubby came down one night, unwrapped it, went across the road, and threw it into the feild opposite the house as far as he could throw - there is a ram in that field that seams transfixed by something and just stands and stands - I like to think he has found it...!

Kath
x

Esther said...

I can pretty much go back to sleep anytime.. I learnt if I was going to feed a small person at night to do it lieing down or I fall asleep over them and then wake worrying I've smothered them!

As to toys they will not shut up we have a sword which makes random swishing noises for no apparent reason.

Tip Top said...

Hehehehe!!! At least I'm not alone!

Ringmaster said...

oh well I guess at least you fall asleep. That is where I have the problems. But it is the same. Lay there and think, get up, lay back down, get up again, turn on the tv, turn it off, read, get up again, lay down again. and so on, and so on, and so on. As for those toys. Throw them in the street and hope someone runs them over.