The Madness of 3am

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Subtitle : The post in which I reveal the innermost workings of my brain at 3am in the morning.

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"Mummmmmeeeeeeeee"
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I wake with that sudden jolt only your child's voice in the middle of the night can induce.
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Stumble. Stumble.
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"Yes darling?"
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Silence.
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"Sweety, what is it?"
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Silence. Soft breathing.
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"Do you need a drink?"
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No response.
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I stumble back to bed.
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"I wonder what time it is?
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"Oh great. 3 o'clock"
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"Oh well, should get another 4 hours in before I wake up again."
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"Now I need a pee"
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I feel my way to the bathroom without putting any lights on.
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"What's that noise? It sounds like people talking? What is it?! It's coming from downstairs. Is it the telly? It sounds like American accents. Have I got American burglars down there? Well they'll be in for a shock when they see me in my pants and vest combo."
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I tiptoe downstairs skipping out the stair that creaks.
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One of boy*jelly's Thunderbird's rockets is speaking to itself.
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"Thunderbird 2 we are good to go. F.A.B"
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*sigh* which pile of toys is it under?
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I locate the toy and try to switch it off.
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"Hang on, there's no off switch."
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"Well take the battery out then."
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Silent scream as I realise it has a screwed-down battery cover.
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"Thunderbird 2 we are good to go. F.A.B"
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"Shut Up!"
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"Where are the screwdrivers? Oh my god - that's the tiniest screw I've ever seen. Was it made by pixies? We haven't got a screwdriver that small. "
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"Thunderbird 2 we are good to go. F.A.B"
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"SHUT UP!"
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"Right! Shove it in a drawer."
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"Thunderbird 2 we are good to go. F.A.B"
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I finally swaddle it in a towel and shove it back in a drawer and make my way back to bed.
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"What if it catches fire in the drawer?"
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"Why would it catch fire?!"
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"Well it might get the towel all hot..."
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"Shut up and go to sleep."
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"Okay. What was I dreaming about?"
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I whirr through the recent images in my brain.
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"Hmmm. Dead cow in the living room."
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"Okay, maybe don't focus on your last dream"
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"What do I need to do tomorrow?"
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"Oh that's right, mum's coming round first thing because I have a doctor's appointment."
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"Oh great, the house is a mess, the dishwasher needs loading and she's going to see it all."
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"Well, it's nothing she hasn't already seen in this house."
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"If I get time, I'll do it before I go out otherwise I'll shut the door and tell her not to go in there."
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"Now shut up and go to sleep"
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"Okay, now I'm hungry"
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I tiptoe downstairs without putting any lights on and get a bowl of cereal by the light of the fridge (after checking that the drawer is not on fire).
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Back upstairs, light on, eating my cereal and flicking through an old copy of Heat Magazine.
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"God, she's too skinny ... she needs to eat something ... what is that she's wearing?!"
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Finish cereal, light out, settle down to sleep.
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"What's the time now?"
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"Great. 4 o'clock"
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"What shall I do my next blog-post about?"
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"I could do one about how it always takes me ages to go back to sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night?"
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"Hmmm. I could call it The Madness of 3am and discuss the stupid thoughts my brain has ... "
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The Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip of the alarm clock wakes me at 8am and I don't have time to tidy the kitchen.
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And I totally forget about the Thunderbird rocket swaddled in a towel and shoved in the drawer until the next time I need to get an envelope and I have to explain to Mr Jelly why it's there.
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What keeps you awake at night?
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That's Magic!

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Pick one of the following cards.

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Don't click on it, just keep it in your head.

.Think about your card for 20 seconds and The Great Magician will attempt to read your mind!

.Scroll down after 20 Seconds

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The Great Magician Has Removed Your Card!

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Snow Joke

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I am grateful that our exciting week of snow in the UK is over and the most we got to do was build fun snowmen.

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Not like some people in the world ...

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Another Man For Valentine's Day

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Mr jelly has given me permission to spend the weekend with another man.

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A man who makes me laugh 'til my head hurts.

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A man I wish I could spend more time with, but alas our encounters can only ever be brief.

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A man that Mr jelly sometimes likes to watch me spending time with.

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And having Mr jelly watch, never puts this man off his stroke.

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Yes, he's bought me series 6 on DVD of "Everybody Loves Raymond".

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He gave me series 1, 2 and 3 for Christmas.

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For my birthday he gave me series 4 and 5.

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I'm hoping to get series 7 for Mother's day and maybe 8 and 9 for our anniversary!

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So, in this house at least, Everybody Loves Mr Jelly.

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The Tooth Is Out There ...

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Another milestone passed ...

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Sound Of Silence

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I'm on the mend ...

My temperature is normal, I no longer need a wad of tissues up each nostril and I don't sound like Darth Vader having an asthma attack any more.

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BUT

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I have completely and utterly lost my voice.

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I wish people would stop doing a happy dance.

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Blar

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Can you believe I'm still suffering from the longest surviving flu virus ever!?

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I shan't bore you with my symptoms

(hacking cough, banging head, throat on fire, ears pounding, nose throbbing)

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or tell you how high my temperature is

(38.7)

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or state how lanky my hair is

(very)

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or detail how grumpy I am

(no more than usual)

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I shall however show you the 6th picture in my 6th folder as I was recently tagged by Deanne

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There. How boring is that?!

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It's a scan of the waves I use as a template for my boat design.

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The Post In Which I Demonstrate How Easy It Is To Use A Ridiculous Amount Of Superfluous Words When Only A Few Would Do Quite Adequately

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On a recent visitation to my local sports and recreation facilities, I needed to avail myself of the changing rooms provided for persons of the female gender to disrobe and slip into their apparel designed for the purpose of swimming in.

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Whilst surveying my surroundings, I was intrigued to espy a notice erected by the Council responsible for the maintenance and upkeep of the aforementioned facilities, which caused me to screw my ladylike features into a confused and puzzled expression.

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I considered the wording of the sign whilst stowing my belongings into a locker provided by the same council for such a purpose, and continued to ponder its meaning whilst partaking in a number of lengths of the swimming pool.

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The only conclusion I could begin to arrive at was that the same council would not be responsible for the loss of, or damage to, any posessions placed in the lockers provided.

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At least one can only assume that is the meaning of such a bizarrely worded statement :

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One has to assume that they would also not be held responsible for any posessions NOT placed into the lockers either, otherwise wouldn't you just leave all your belongings lying on the benches?

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Or are they saying they DO accept responsibilty?

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In the event that you cannot read all of the wording of this sign, I recommend you place the cursor of your computer over the image and depress the button on the mouse attached to your PC. This action will furnish you with a larger view of the image. However, I would like to point out, that I cannot be held responsible for any tutting, sighing, eye-rolling or snorting that ensues from carrying out this action.

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Please address any concerns you may have experienced from reading this blog-post in the comments section below.

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(Or do you all get it and I'm being thick?)

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18 Years In The Making

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Firstly - when you read this post, please do so in a reedy, whispering manner because I have completely lost my voice (thanks flu virus)

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(Oh how Mr Jelly has taken the mickey this morning!)

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Now. We live in a part of the UK that is surrounded by valleys - the Cotswolds and the Mendips, plus we're quite near the Bristol Channel, so while the rest of the country gets horrendous weather, be it snow or rain or wind, we don't tend to ever get much of anything.

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Mr Jelly says it's because of the valleys and air cooling over the channel and stuff like that and I'm not clever (or interested) enough to dispute it, so you'll have to take his word for it

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So for the past 18 years or so, we have watched as the rest of Britain got battered by winds, soaked by rain and carpeted by snow, all while we sat under grey skies that never did anything exciting.

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Until today!

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We've had proper, crunchy, deep, snowman-building-school-closing snow!

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Me and Mr Jelly put on our wellies, hats and gloves and left a sulky boy*jelly on the sofa whilst one of us tried her best to build a snowman and the other one threw snowballs down my back.

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Here is the effort of our work:

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Just as I was taking my wellies off and putting the kettle on, boy*jelly decided that "actually, I think I might just be well enough to go out for a bit", so we donned our wellies, hats and by-now-soaking-gloves and went out to build another one.

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And here is boy*jelly's snowman:
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And here he is dodging one of Mr Jelly's snowballs!

And just because I can be quite rude at times.
(well, most of the time, if I'm honest ...)

(Me playing with some snowballs)

EDIT : I'm really suffering for being outdoors and having fun - bleuch - I've been laid on the sofa all afternoon listening to my banging head!

House Of Mouth Breathers

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I have had hundreds of emails from literally none of you asking where I have been for a week ...

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Blame this:

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The common-or-garden flu virus.

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I thought I had a cold last week, but that was just a taster of things to come.

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boy*jelly has been poorly since Saturday, but today I know he is on the mend because he's just bossed me about.

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This isn't man-flu you understand.

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This is proper-full-on-woman's-head-banging-joint-aching-flu.

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You better leave lots of get-well comments, or I'm coming to your blog and giving it to you.

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Feel free to send grapes and chocolate too.

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